HAY AMERICAN!

hey remember that dude who won all those medals this summer in japan or korea or wherever the fuck the olympics were this time? YEAH HIS NAME IS MICHAEL PHELPS. aka the name i whisper to the heavens every night before i go to sleep. 

i was recently at my local grocery store checking out their selection of flaming hot cheetos (BIG UPS TO BRIT BRIT) when i stumbled upon the michael phelps box of special k (the breakfast of AMERICAN champions!) i was immediately flooded with summer memz drowning in red, white, and michael phelps. i truly dedicated myself to this man every night of these games- or like at least the 30 seconds he was on screen totally dominating USA style. he glided through that water like a gallant bald eagle that can swim real fast. obviously an accomplishment cause like eagles cant even swim and shit. i doubt i was the only one creaming my jeans when he won against the serbian fucker cavic. that shit was down to like a finger- a big michael phelps middle finger to fucking serbia for trying to steal one of his precious golds. M PHELPS DONT TAKE NO SILVER. HE WILL FEED IT TO YOUR MAMA.

since we are like kinda talking politics or something, i just want to say fuck obama- yeah, i definitely said it, you can read it again. because i will go as far as to say that without phelps, there would be no obama. m phelps paved the way for that dude, and obama doesnt even care. mikey changed the american spirit with his abnormally huge torso, double jointed ankles, and crazy ears (and probably huge dick, but that goes without saying) .those 8 gold medals proved we americans are heroes and patriots and whatever. what did obama ever do? (terrorist associations aside, of course.) in order to make up for it, obama should consider adding another star to our great flag in honor of phelpsie for he is our national star(fish)- lol get the ocean/swimming/dolphin reference?. i kinda wish i could be an american flag, so not only could i always embody the national spirit, but ALSO maybe meet the fate of draping that great american patriots body- and probably catch a lady boner while doing so-amirite?. 

but ok, im going to be real honest right now. michael is an american hero and and total eye candy and whatever but the true break out star was herman phelps, his english bulldog (yeah, i wish it was american too- THESE COLORS DONT RUN.) . i didnt even give a shit about mikey until i happened upon a commercial he did with herman. ( like i might still not even give a shit about him, maybe its really all just about herman? ~*total life revelation*~) but anyway that commercial just featured a lot talk of food (8,000 calories worth!!!!) , a lot of couch sitting, a general assumption that he is fucking a lot of bitches on that couch (michael, not herman- and not that michael is fucking herman but actual ladies- just to clarfiy), and a bulldog- aka my perfect life aka michael phelps life (minus the 12005 hours of training- duh, i dont move, cmon!!)

but also, dude loves getting high. there are so many reasons why he is the perfect man, it gives me ~*butterflies*~.

so thank you michael phelps for being the pride and glory of america. just as your body undulates through those crystal blue waters, so does the american flag waving high and proud for you, our new american hero.